you're not worth it, seth.

[seth matthews.]

Dear diary:
I'm writing down...
Now I'll fall asleep ,
To wake and find,
That I had written down,
All of my dreams.

January 21, 2008

There’s just so much shit going on right now. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I’m starting to feel like I can’t leave the sanctuary of this hell hole apartment without someone there holding my hand and telling me where to go. It’s like I can feel the whole world pushing down on me, and it’s so much more than gravity. Right now, I’m scared to be alone with myself, I know something’s going to happen that’s going to hurt him, and I just don’t know if I could live with knowing that it’s all my fault, all my own stupid fault, because I just don’t know how to cope with myself. The days are getting longer, and those pills are starting to look damn good. But I just can’t. Not with knowing what it’s going to do to him. Maybe I should quit wasting my time writing in this pointless journal and put this pen to work, leaving a note behind to apologize for all the times I fucked up and all the times I wasn’t there. All these thoughts of suicide are scaring me, but I just quit thinking about it. I’ve called Wil so many times and all I hear is a busy signal on the other end of the phone. Hell, I even went to Aiden’s doorstep last night and almost knocked on his door but I couldn’t bring myself to put this stress on him. He doesn’t deserve to have to deal with my problems. It’s not like he signed on to be my therapist or anything, it’s seriously starting to worry me, but I can’t keep myself from dating all these thoughts of a wonderful afterlife where I no longer have these trivial problems. Somebody save me please.

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SETH ERiK.

January 29, 2008

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Oli, Oli, Oli, please get out of my mind. All I can think about is you. Every time I close my eyes I see your face, and that just makes me fall more and more in love with you. And you’re making me do something I swore I wouldn’t do. Fuck, I’m not ready to be in love again. But there you were, with those gorgeous blue eyes and delicious skin, fuck, what do I do? I’d tell you to stay away from me, but that wouldn’t work. Wait, why the hell am I making this journal look like Oli’s going to see it? Haha. Silly Seth, so fucked up on pills you don’t even know what you’re doing. But anyways, yeah, I think I’m in love. Shame on Oliver Logan for stealing my heart like that. Shit, I was supposed to be no strings attached, one night stand guaranteed, but then again, it’s really kind of Oli’s fault. He’s the one that suggested we exchanged numbers before I went home, and he’s the one who calls me up asking if I wouldn’t mind dropping by for a ‘slumber party’. But I’m the one who keeps telling him I’d love it if we got together again. And it’s the truth. I do love it. I haven’t felt like this with anyone before. I don’t even think I’ve felt like this with Aiden, but me and Aiden haven’t fucked, much less do anything more than make-out and cuddle occasionally. Hmm, the last time I actually slept with him –clothes on, mind you–, well that would’ve had to have been back in Mansonville six or seven months ago. We didn’t even mean to sleep together. It just kind of happened. I remember asking him out, it was hella stormy, and after a few hardcore make-out sessions, we just kind of cuddled up and fell asleep. Note to self: do not sleep in abandoned mansions on anciently old furniture with your newly acquired boyfriend, it’s adorable and cute, but not the best in comfort. Anyways, the main point of this silly little entry would have to be:

I FELL IN LOVE WITH OLI.

Shame on me.[/font]

SETH ERiK.

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Torn out pages on my bed,
Broken hearts that will not mend,
Bottled thoughts up in my head,
And this is where the story ends,
Good night dear diary.