reflection ; open

[autumn hali brooks.]

{ r e f l e c t i o n
i can fool the world
but i cannot fool my heart

___________________________

Autumn sat by her self, swinging her feet back and forth on the dock, leaning back to let the sun carress her bare skin. It always rained in Seattle, so a single day with sun was a blessing. The second that Autumn had heard it was going to be a sunny day, she decided she was going to go to the docks. These docks were abandoned, and had been for as long as Autumn could remember. Her mother used to bring her to these docks when she was younger on nice days like this.

She was thinking about the strangest thing at the moment. She had no reason to be thinking about it, but she was. It had crossed her mind for only a moment, and when it seemed like it might go, it stuck there, milking her brain for everything it had that related even in the slightest way to the subject. She was thinking about love. It was something that she had never personally found. She's never been in love.

Autumn had decided at a very young age that every girl, no matter how old or young they were, wanted to live out a fairy tail. Autumn was no exception to this rule. As she pondered on it as she began to get older, after she had figured out that fairy tails weren't real and nothing like that could ever happen to anyone, she decided that all girls still wanted it. They wanted the romance and the prince charming, even though they knew that they'd never actually be able to have him.

Songs also began playing in Autumn's head as a result of her mind's wonderings on the matter at hand. Songs about both successful love and heartbreak. As she sat, swinging her legs, she began to wonder why she wasn't looking for love. She was interested in it, she was sure of that much. She wanted to know what it felt like to be in love. In the back of her mind, even though she would never admit it, she was actually afriad. She'd dealt with pain before, no matter how tough she tried to act, on the inside she got hurt, and the only people that managed to hurt her were the people that meant something to her. She could only imagine how much pain she would feel if she let someone into her heart and they hurt her.

Maybe it wasn't that she was afraid of love. Perhaps it was that she was afraid of heartbreak. Leaving her father was the worst thing she ever had to do, and even though they returned so soon after, it always left a scar on her. She'd been so used to seeing him all of the time, and she only saw him twice when Regina had moved them to Chicago. Then they'd moved to Washington, and even though he saw her more often, it wasn't enough. That was, of course, the reason she'd begun to act out. That was the reason she had turned into who she was now.

The continued to go deeper into thought. She loved her brother. She never thought of him as her half brother. Greg was her baby brother. She cared about him, and not being able to see Travis was one thing, but not being able to see Greg was something completely different. Greg was like a little part of her, and leaving someone who had that much of a connection to her hurt more than she could have imagined it could.

Even now, although she had adjusted to life in Seattle, she missed her mother and father and brother. She couldn't help but write e-mails to them all every weekend, reporting the weeks events (only the good ones, of course). She did notice how when she had an e-mail in her inbox her heart would do a little jump in her chest and she'd be impatient to open it. Her family meant the world to her, and she tried not to let them know it too much, but sometimes she believed that they could see right through her.

The sun's rays stopped hitting her and Autumn was brought back into reality. She opened her eyes, which she did not realized had closed while she was thinking. She sat up straight and looked down at the water, waiting for the sun to come back into view and warm her.

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[Whitney.Blaine.Warner]

Whitney Warner let her feet shuffle in the sand. Her mind flashed to the time that her father would've come close to killing her for doing something like that, but he wasn't here, and she was on her own: she made her own rules. If she didn't want to pick up her feet, it was her damn choice.


She lifted her young face to the sun, something she hadn't felt on her face since she had moved to Seattle. The eighteen year old brunette smiled. She may just be able to get used to this life after all.


It was hard. Her life hadn't exactly been a fairytale that all the children dreamed of living. Far from it to be truthful. However, she was here, and she was alive, but inside her heart still doubted her mind as it tried to convince the former that it really was alright.Whitney shrugged off the uncertain thoughts and focused soley on her bare feet in the sand and the ocean's soothing lullaby of waves lapping against the coast. She could see a dock in the distance, and she headed that direction.



Whitney jumped slightly, her muscles tensing as her cell vibrated in the pocket of her jeans.She sighed, relaxing a bit as she pulled it out and flipped it open.'Ello?She said, her lyrics coming out calm and relaxed.Blaine, good to hear your voice. You miss me?Whitney nearly dropped the phone as she stopped in her tracks, her knees buckling and her tanned face paling to a ghastly white. Where?How?Why?Why, why why!Spencer, I told you to leave me alone, bastard!she shakily said into the mouthpeice.


A chuckle replied.Oh my dear Blaine, don't you know? I can't stand to be without you! I'm actually here, in Seattle! Some birdie told me you quit you're stripping job and moved. I was so upset, I used to love watching you work! Whitney nearly threw up right there. She couldn't do this, not now.Go to hell!She yelped into the phone, then smashed it shut and jammed it back into her pocket.

The brunette walked along once more, her composure shaken and her body tense. She conciously touched the bruises and scrapes that covered her arms and flinched, remembering how they had gotten there, each night, each memory, all from the same bastard. The bastard that had found her again.

She wrapped her arms more tightly about herself and took in a shaky breath. As the sun floated behind the clouds, she looked up, willing it to come back, to warm the very darkest corners of her heart and mind and let her be free again. This was one way she fit into this city. Everyone seemed to have their problems. Only they seemed to hide theirs well, whilst Whitney felt like she was very near breaking point.


She looked up again to see the dock closer, and she quickend her pace, now wanting to get there just to breathe and let her emotions loose. Dizziness swept over her, but she continued on, taking notice that another set of footprints lead to the dock as well. Someone else was there. No matter though, she just needed to think.

She finally reached the dock and walked down it, reveling in the feel of the old, roughened wood against the soft flesh that covered her bare feet. She saw another woman there, and sat a respectful distance away, curiously glancing over, hoping this woman might talk to her.

[autumn hali brooks.]

{ r e f l e c t i o n
i can fool the world
but i cannot fool my heart

___________________________

Autumn wasn't the kind of girl that you would expect to be very nice. Just by looking at her, most people can tell she's got the traits of a bitch inside that pretty little head of hers. If you watched her for even a few moments, you could see the confidence that Autumn felt in her abilities. But the confidence came off more so as arrogance, which was something that Autumn had to admit she did have in her. She was overly confident about what she could and couldn't do. Still, it never was something that she tried to shove in people's faces. Well, unlesss they deserved it. Autumn was more of the kind of girl that had to prove something to herself. Fuck what everyone else thought of her. None of them mattered. She was the only one that matter. She was the only one that needed her to do something. This was Autumn's way of thinking most of the time, but like with everything else there are a few exceptions to this rule. Actually, there were only three. All of them were related to her. Even though she wasn't the best kid, Autumn would do almost anything for Regina and Travis. And there was no doubt in her mind that she would do anything in the world for Greg. She didn't know that she could love someone like that. When she heard that she was going to have a little brother for the first time all those years ago, all she could think was that she really didn't want a brother. But after he was born, all of those thoughts compleltely disappeared. She loved helping Caroline take care of the little baby.

Feeling the heat of the sun was something that Autumn hadn't felt in a long time. The sun came out so seldem in Seattle that she had almost forgotten what it felt like. She had every intention of going to California soon so she could remember what it felt like to actually be able to walk around in clothes that didn't cover every inch of your skin so you didn't get frostbite. She liked being able to show off her body, but she didn't exactly get the chance to do it in the middle of winter so far north. It was okay, though. It wasn't like she was going to be here for the rest of her life. She'd been doing pretty well for herself so far, but Seattle still didn't feel like home, and she didn't think that it ever really would. She wanted to be with her family. She wanted to be able to finish watching Greg grow up. She missed Travis. There were so many things that made Autumn miss her old home in Idaho. Usually people were growing away from their family at this age, right? This is the part of her life where she's supposed to be thinking 'I can finally get away from them'. But it wasn't like that. She was still trying to figure out how to get her life in order. So far, she still didn't know what to do. She was actually making a decent living in Seattle, and getting a good education, but was that everything?

The thing was, even though she didn't want to be away from her family, she did want to get away from her past. Autumn hadn't had the best past. She was the kind of girl that would walk by you and then you'd start hearing people whispering about how much of a slut she was. There were new rumors of the people who she had slept with every week, and while Autumn had tried to act like that didn't bother her, she hated it. So she went to Seattle, just far enough out where she was sure that no one knew her. She had all of those people that would look at her. Everyone hated her. She wasn't the kind of person who someone came over and tried to make friendly conversation with. She didn't mind being a loner, and she really didn't care if people called her a slut, but feeling so completely isolated from everything started driving her insane.

While thinking about all of this she heard one of the planks on the dock squeak as pressure was put on them. She looked up automatically to see what it was and saw a girl sitting down some feet away from her. She looked like she had come here for the same reason that Autumn had. When life had you stressing out, what better place to come than the calming water? The only problem was that most of the time it was too dark and cold, and since Autumn didn't have the option of driving an hour to get to somewhere where it was warm enough for her to sit out by the water, she usually had to find another place to sit and let her mind run wild. She didn't pay too much attention to the girl at first. For one, she wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone, and secondly, Autumn wanted to make sure that if the girl wanted space, she could have it.

[/blockquote]

[Whitney.Blaine.Warner]

Whitney risked a glance over at the other woman and guessed that this stranger wanted nothing to do with her. She shrugged. Oh well, nt like she had any friends anyways. She was used to not being talked to.


Truthfully, she wasn't the best talker in the world. She was better at actions. If you wanted a friend for life, you got it. She's help you through anyhting. You wanted a sex slave or entertainer, she's your girl. You want someone to party with and just have fun, she was all for it, but these silly little friendships that were just texting eachother over a dumb device of technology.No way.


The brunette jumped again as her phone went off once more. She rolled her eyes. She had nothing better to do, so she answered it.Spencer I swear to God if you don't leave me alone....she said in an aggressive tone. She hated this man with every fiber of her being. Just his name wanted to make her lose the little lunch she had eaten.


After a few minutes of bitching she finally hung up, her breath coming just a bit ragged. He'd have to finf her eventually, so she decided she'd just have to take it as it came. Her fingers moved over the bruises and scars once more, flinching as she did. She remembered being thrown against those walls, feeling those blows. Her mind went back to those memories of fear and hatred. She could almost feel the fireplace poker hitting her behind her ear again, the blow that had knocked her out for two hours while that bastard raped her.


Whitney sighed, holding back the emotions. She didn't want to go back there. She didn't want to go through that again. She hated this. She needed to have some fun, desperatly.

[autumn hali brooks.]

{ r e f l e c t i o n
i can fool the world
but i cannot fool my heart

___________________________

Autumn had only ever been in one serious relationship, but for the most part she had erased it from her memory. She was fifteen years old at the time, and she had decided to try something new. So when a guy asked her out for the tenth time that month, she gave him the surprise of his life by agreeing. The relationship lasted only two weeks. He practically suffocated her with all of the affection he was trying to give her every moment of every day. By day three she already had two of his hoodies and a teddy bear from the dollar store. This guy was quite taken with her, but no matter how much Autumn tried to get used to this feeling, she never really succeeded. She wanted to like all of the stuff that he did for her, but it just wasn't in her to do it. It had all happened so fast, and she hadn't expected it to happen just like that. He didn't know her at all, and he was suffocating her with so much love and gifts that she couldn't deal with it for more than those two weeks that they were together.

That didn't mean that she didn't want that kind of thing. It was just that she didn't want it all that fast. She didn't want someone wanting to be with her every second of everyday when she didn't know enough about them to even buy them anything. She wanted to be able to know a person well enough to be comfortable doing all of that silly stuff with them. When someone did that from the beginning, it made her wonder whether that person even knew what a relationship was meant to be. The thing was, how did Autumn know what a relationship was supposed to be? She didn't. All she knew was that when all of that had happened, it had felt completely wrong. But after that she kind of had an idea of what relationships should be like. Or, at least, what she would like her relationships to be like. And that was enough for her. She was so disgusted with what romantic relationships were like then that she gave up trying that again and stuck with the sex.

While she was still sitting on the side of the dock with her feet hanging over the side, kicking her legs back and forth, she heard a voice come from a little farther up the dock. Again, her instincts led her to look in that direction, and she saw the girl sitting up there on the phone. She seemed frustrated and upset. There was a part of Autumn that was annoyed at her for messing up the peaceful quiet that she'd been enjoying so much, and there was another part of Autumn that was worried about the aggression that she heard in this girl's voice. She tried to ignore it. She really did. But from the few words that Autumn could make out from the girl's side of the conversation, it didn't seem like things were going too well.

Autumn swung her legs back onto the dock and slipped on her flip flops. She stood up and stretched, checking her cell phone to see how much time had passed. She'd been sitting there for almost an hour without realizing it, but it wasn't that late. She began to walk up the dock. Right before the passed the girl, the girl hung up her phone. Autumn walked past her, trying not to pay too much attention to her. It wasn't any of her business what was going on with this girl and whoever she was talking to. Honestly, why would Autumn think it was any of her business? There was two ways the girl would take it if Autumn offered help. She would either wonder why Autumn was asking and be hesitant because she didn't know Autumn, or she would wonder why Autumn was asking and get pissed off at her for doing so. So Autumn tried to get herself away from the situation. But for some reason right as she got to the end of the dock as it connected to the land again, she turned around to look at the girl and she said, "I know it's none of my business, but are you okay?" She didn't know what had made her do it, but now that it had happened there was no turning back. It wasn't like she could say 'Oh, nevermind. I'm gonna go now.' It didn't work like that.

[/color]

[Whitney.Blaine.Warner]

Her mind filled with the stories her brother used to make up when she was younger. They always ended up happy and perfect. Whitney slid herself to the very edge of the dock and dipped her feet into the freezing water.


She remembered when she used to go to the river's side and stick her feet in when she was a little girl. She used to sit and dream about her Prince Charming coming to save her and their perfect wedding. He would be handsome and gentle and love her with his whole heart. He would defend her and give his life to her and adore her and respect her. There. That was the word she ould laugh at. Respect. Ha. What does that mean? What does that feel like? She had never felt respect. Her father had never done so. Yeah, she could picture him now, "I respect you, but I'm going to beat you unconcious anyways". That man respect? Funny. Her clients had never repsected her, then again..she had been their sex toy.


Whitney looked to the sky above her, tears forming in her green eyes. How had she ever gotten here? How the hell could people always screw up their life so much? Where was the hero in all of this. She had to face it, there was no hero. She had to suck it up and take care of herself


I know it's none of my business, but are you okay?The lyric cut trough Whitney's thoughts and made her jump slightly. She closed her eyes and shrunk away from them as if they ere a fist that was coming at her. Then she realized it was a female talking. Her body relaxed slightly.Um, yeah, yeah I'm fine..... she said, her soft voice coming out unsteadily.


Who the hell was she fooling? She was an eighteen year old sneior in high school crying on a dock covered in bruises and scars!Oh yeah, everything's hunky dorey! Not. Whitney sighed and ran a hand through her brunette locks.No. I'm not. My ex is in town and he's just a straight up dick that needs to go to hell and he won't leave me alone.There. She said it straight out. As she looked back up at the girl, she continued to let her fingers glide softly over the bruises along her arms.

[autumn hali brooks.]

{ r e f l e c t i o n
i can fool the world
but i cannot fool my heart

___________________________

Back when Regina had been dating when Autumn was young, she remembered the nights where Regina would come home crying after being out with one of her boyfriends. Still being very young at the time, no more than twenty-four or twenty-five, she wasn't very experienced in romantic relationships even though she'd had Autumn six or seven years before. Those were the nights that she would be in her bedroom trying to go to bed like a good girl, satisfied with herself because she had talked the baby sitter into giving her another cookie, when she would hear the door close. She would creep to the door of her room to go and see her mother and say goodnight to her before she went to sleep, but when she would peek out the door to see where her mom was, she would find Regina collapsed on the couch, crying.

Regina was a very beautiful woman, and she maintained herself well even after having Autumn. She was very serious about everything she did. Now she had a child. She needed to think about her future, and how she was going to manage, and where she was going to live. When she dated, it was because she wanted to settle down. She wanted for Autumn to have a real father that would be able to be around her all of the time. Travis was a great dad, he really was, but now he had his own little family. Still, Regina wasn't the best about making choices about who she should and shouldn't go out with. As a result, some nights the guys she was out with would want to do something she didn't, but they got her to do it anyway. Those were the nights that Regina would come home crying, feeling violated by those guys who she had put at least a little trust into. She would try to be as quiet as possible so she wouldn't wake up Autumn, but there were those nights that happened once in a while where Autumn would creep out of her room and come over to sit with Regina. "What's wrong, Mommy?" Autumn would ask. Regina could never tell her what actually happened, so instead she just sat with her and held her until Autumn fell asleep in her arms.

Autumn found out later what those men had done to her mother, and she aboslutely hated them for it. She knew that she was young and she couldn't have done anything to help Regina at the time anyway, but she felt like it was partically her fault for all of the things that had happened to her mother. She wanted to track those guys down and shoot them in the foot to see how much they liked being taken advantage of. However, Autumn couldn't do any of that. All of those guys were long gone by now. She had to accept that these kinds of things happened, and that they weren't her fault. She always felt some kind of hatred toward anyone who she knew did that kind of thing, and if she had the chance to do something to hurt them, there was no doubt in her mind that she would take it. The idea of someone doing that to a person made her sick. She liked sex as much as the next person, but the idea of someone doing that to her when she didn't want it was like someone taking her power away from her. She was glad that it hadn't happened to her yet, and hoped that it would never happen to her. She wished she could have prevented it from happening to Regina still, but she knew that there was nothing that she could have done at all to stop it. She was too young to even understand what was going on at the time.

She waited for the girl to respond. She didn't really have a choice, did she? She had asked the question, and now she expected to get an answer. "Um, yeah, yeah I'm fine...." Autumn looked at the girl for a few more moments. She didn't believe her, but she didn't know her. She couldn't push the subject. If she said that everything was fine, no matter how much Autumn thought she was lying, she had to accept the answer. Still, by the look of the girl, tears staining her face and her arms so many different shades of brown and purple, she could hardly think that she was actually telling the truth. "No. I'm not. My ex is in town and he's just a straight up dick that needs to go to hell and he won't leave me alone."

Autumn hadn't expected the sudden outburst of honesty, but some part of her felt extremely relieved that the girl had told her. It seemed to Autumn that the girl really needed to get that off of her chest, and who better to tell something to than a complete stranger who you would probably never see again in your life? Autumn took a few steps closer to the girl and mumbled, "Yeah, it sounds like he needs to get something shoved up his ass." She wasn't sure if she had said it loud enough for the girl to hear or not, but she wanted to make sure that she next thing she said the girl wouldn't misunderstand. "Well, you probably need to get out and do something then. He can't do anything to you if you don't let him. Do something to get your mind off of him," Autumn suggested. "There's this great bar called Rifter's, and it's a good way to take your mind off of people you don't want to think about." Well, there she went, advertising the place that she worked. It was true, though. The atmosphere there was so comfortable. And she always managed to get people she didn't want to think about off of her mind, but that probably had to do with the fact that she always had a billion orders and numbers and tables to remember.

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